


How (Not) To Take Over the World

by zatniktel



Series: SM Wants to Rule the World [2]
Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, VIXX, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Adorable Kim Taehyung | V, Alien Abduction, Alien Technology, Aliens, Aliens Made Them Do It, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Aliens, Anime References, Bad Jokes, Black Butler References, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Changelings, Comedy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cute Kim Taehyung | V, Deliberate Badfic, Doppelganger, Drama Llama, EXO merch, EXO merchandise, Evil, Evil Plans, Evil Twins, Free! References, Funny, Gen, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Killer Robots, Kim Taehyung | V-centric, Minor Kim Jongin | Kai/Lee Taemin, Robots, SM Wants to Rule the World, Satansoo, Similes, Youtube References, bad similes, merch, my neighbor totoro, totoro references, yehet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-13 09:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11756928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zatniktel/pseuds/zatniktel
Summary: 1. Don't tell Kim Taehyung your evil plans2. Maaybe lock up your extra Sehuns.





	1. Chapter 1

this is set in 2015 i guess? right after dope came out.

"so the ghosts didn't upset BTS, huh? Looks like we'll have to step up our game and destroy them at all costs." the dark hooded figure from before said EBULLY.  
"b-but that's impossible!" gasped another hooded person standing next to the desk, their head bowed in RESPEKT. "BTS is rapidly gaining fans all over the world. V's cuteness, Suga's swag, and Jimin's celebrated lack of jams are drawing fans in like a black hole! ARMYs are streaming their MVs day and night, and they might get Dope to a million views by the end of this week!"  
"then we'll have to hit them where it hurts," Dark Hood said menacingly, twirling a pencil with an eraser in the shape of Suho's head. It put its feet on the desk and began to think, the mental gears in its head grinding and squeaking like a door in a horror movie.  
Second Hood began to pace, but they were unable to think properly under the judging glare from the Chen poster nearby.  
Dark Hood slammed down the pencil on the desk. The Suho eraser bounced onto the floor. The figure sprang to its feet like it had  
just sat on a pinecone, crushing the Suho eraser as it did so. "bring in the three," it demanded DARKLY. "i have a PLAN."


	2. Chapter 2

preliminary. i'll probably update/edit/add later.

on a cool windy night soon after, three beings of the human species crouched on a roof, looking at BTS's dorm through infrared binoculars.  
j-hope and v were currently engaged in a """wrestling match""".  
"so the plan is to sneak in there and grab v?" said taemin dismissively. "sounds like an even worse plan than the one before."  
on their heads, baekhyun, kai, and taemin wore those black surgical masks that kpop stars wear when they're trying to be incognito,  
plus those black baseball cap hats that people in k-dramas wear when they're robbing a place or following someone at night. on their bodies, they wore tight black  
outfits and tall boots.

 

**pause for fangirl drooling**

 

"we have to be quiet and surreptitious," cautioned kai. "baekhyun, are you sure that the ninja training you got last time we were in japan  
is going to help?"  
"pfft, YEAH," bakehyun scoffed. "SOME of us didn't spend all our time getting drunk in the hotel and watching sexy girl group videos!"  
kai and taemin looked guilty.  
"it was research," said kai defensively. "for when someone makes us do a girl group dance!"  
"yeah, sure," baekhyun snorted. "whatever. let's grab this kid and xerox his ass."  
"wait." taemin's voice cut the stillness like an EXPERIMENT GLOWING 1000 DEGREE KNIFE VS AN IPHONE 6!  
baekhyun and kai huffed and turned to face him.  
"how do we get off this roof?"


	3. Chapter 3

'twas a night in june, and all through bts' dorm, not a creature was stirring, except for baekhyun, taemin, and kai. The stockings were strewn on the floor with(out) care, and baekhyun slipped on one of them and fell on his butt. BTS were nestled snug in their beds, while visions of chicken danced in Jin's head. and V with his pillow and Rapmon with his snoring had just settled their brains for a short summer nap, when out in the kitchen there arose such a (small) clatter, no one sprang from their beds to see what was the matter.

wincing dramatically like he was on a variety show or something, Taemin hopped on one foot away from a ramen pot that had been left directly in the middle of the walkway.   
the trio tiptoed to the first room.   
thunderous snores emenated from it.   
"it sounds like a factory," kai said.   
"it's like totoro is in there," said baekhyun. but no one could hear them over the snoring.   
they tiptoed to the next room and unlatched the door by slipping a credit card between the lock and the door jamb. they didn't need to, but baekhyun thought it looked cool.   
in the room was a bunkbed, with two unidentifiable blobs in it. the blobs were unidentifiable mostly because it was dark, but also because they were mummified in their blankets.   
  
taemin pulled away the covers from the face of the person on the bottom bunk.   
"who is it?" baekhyun breathed in taemin's ear hotly and taemin squirmed away like you do when someone whispers in your ear and it's gross and hot and you can't really understand what they're saying anyway.   
kai looked through the infrared goggles. "it's j-hope."   
they moved on to the top bunk.   
"it's v!" kai hissed.   
they moved to grab v but taemin touched something furry in the bedcovers and shrieked like the devil was on his tail. the trio froze and stared at each other like frightened rabbits. then, as if on cue, they all dived under the bed (under j-hope's part of the bed, that is).   
"THERE'S SOMETHING FURRY IN V'S BED AND I AM NOT GOING UP THERE AGAIN!!" taemin whisper-screamed to his comrades, spraying spit everywhere.   
above them, v grunted and mumbled something. "Eomma--chik'n...cool man."   
  
after waiting for several minutes, in which kai """accidentally""" felt up taemin several times, baekhyun and kai decided the coast was clear and moved out to grab v. this proved to be rather difficult--even though v was a skinny lil' thing, have you ever tried to pull a k-pop star out of his top bunk, while he's mummified in blankets, and try not to wake him up at the same time? Didn't think so. "taemin," kai huffed. "get the tranquilizer."   
taemin got the syringe and handed it to baekhyun, who was closest.   
baekhyun stuck it into taemin's hand.   
  
a half hour later, the trio, along with v, were safely ensconsed in a black van specifically created for transporting k-pop stars (you know the type), and speeding toward SM's headquarters.   
"you were supposed to stick v." kai slapped baekhyun on the back of the head. "aish. you idiot."   
"taemin's the idiot," baekhyun insisted. "he thought a gummy mouse covered in fur was a real one."   
kai wasn't listening though, he was looking at the sleeping taemin, his hand on his chin and smiling like an idiot.   
  
v woke up strapped to something cold and hard. his head felt dry and his mouth felt dizzy and he was word getting his mixed up. "ya! nugu--"   
"hello sleeping beauty," said baekhyun in english, leaning over v. he was wearing pink lipstick. "welcome to hell." (also said in english).   
v had seen night at the museum 3 recently. ["i have no idea what that means,"](https://youtu.be/Q0MjALKG6Nk?t=6s) he replied in english. ironically, he had no idea what "i have no idea what that means" meant. he just thought they were quoting american movies.   
"he's awake," said baekhyun to someone ~~offscreen~~ nearby.

"goo0000oood," vocalized a creaky voice. "then we can start the copy process."   
"커피?" v pictured a steaming cup of java.   
"nooo, kaaaahpi," the creepy vocalizer vocalized vehemently. "like what you do to papers."   
"ah," smiled v with his trademark rectangle smile. "well then," said the voice. the person belonging to the voice was wearing a hood that completely covered its face. "let's get this show on the road." "wait! what are you going to do to me?" v asked. the hooded voice looked at another hooded figure. "is there time for an evil villan monologue?"   
it consulted an iPad. "yes, we're ahead of schedule."   
the creaky vocalizer popped its knuckles, clasped its hands behind its back like someone in a fantasy movie, and started pacing. "well, kim taehyung, it all started when the aliens landed. Or, to be more specific, when the aliens landed on the top of the SM headquarters building and kidnapped Super Junior's Ryeowook."


	4. Chapter 4

"they returned him unharmed, of course, but first they copied him and studied the copy. when they left several years later, they were so enamored with the copy that they gave us our own copy machine, that we might experience the joy of multiple Ryeowooks." the hood (no, not [that hood](http://arrow.wikia.com/wiki/Oliver_Queen)) stopped and shuddered a little, then resumed its measured, villanly pacing.   
"they send us a postcard every Christmas (what an outdated thing, really! they're aliens--you'd think they could manage a tweet or something), and as of last year, there were 4000 Ryeowooks all over their planet." the hood stopped and shuddered again.   
"we realized the impact this technology could have for the future of mankind. so naturally, we hid it carefully and told no one. for the past few years, we've been steadily, stealthily, and silently replacing Korean celebrities with android copies that are totally under our control. We--SM Entertainment and a few other groups i can't mention for legal reasons--don't want to take over the whole world, because there's no reason. We only want to establish a foothold. We can be plenty powerful anyway, and running a world is hard work. Of course, to avoid suspicion, we have to leave some high-profile groups alone, like Big Bang, for instance."   
the hood stopped pacing and leaned over v to peer at him. "we'll begin the process of copying BTS with you."   
"and what will happen to me?" v asked, his big eyes wide and scared.   
"we'll keep you alive in suspended animation. unfortunately, the original host has to remain alive for a certain period of time while the android acclimates to its environment."   
"and after that?"   
baekhyun drew his pointer finger across his throat.   
  
INT. EXO'S DORM - DAY   
baekhyun gulped down a shot of water like it was soju and slammed the glass on the table. "who are we?? k-pop stars or secret agents?"   
"Both!!" cried the fangirls crouched on a painter's hanging platform outside the window.   
"OPPA TAKE ME!!" screamed one with fire-engine red lipstick.   
"at least no one has taken a dump in front of our door yet," said chen.   
"once i saw a korean drama where a man peed in a phone booth because there were no bathrooms," said lay to his breakfast.   
D.O. calmly got up from the table, took a knife from xiumin (who was cutting fruit), opened the window, slashed one of the ropes holding the platform, closed the window, and gave the knife back to xiumin.   
the girls' screams were abruptly cut off by a loud splash.   
suho looked over his newspaper and glasses like an ahjusshi. "i've spoken to our manager about it and they've agreed to cut back your hours since you delivered V safely."   
"who would have thought that running around drunk in a tutu and then posting it on instagram would have had such drastic consequences?" kai wondered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thiiink the drama where the guy peed in the phone booth was Reply 1994. might have been reply 1988 or reply 1997 though.


End file.
